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notwithstanding the beastly lust that disfigured them, and the meanness of their faces, and the cruelty, notwithstanding the stupidness which was worst of all, the anguish of those fixed eyes made all that crowd terrible and pathetic. Philip loathed them, and yet his heart ached with the infinite pity which filled him. He took his coat from the cloak room and went out into the bitter coldness of the night. chapter 50 Philip could not get the unhappy event out of his head. What troubled him most was the uselessness of Fanny s effort. No one could have worked harder than she, nor with more sincerity she believed in herself with all her heart but it was plain that self confidence meant very little, all his friends had it, Miguel Ajuria among the rest and Philip was shocked by the contrast between the Spaniard s heroic endeavour and the triviality of the thing he attempted. The unhappiness of Philip s life at school had called up in him the power of self analysis and this vice, as subtle as drug taking, had taken possession of him so that he had now a peculiar keenness in the dissection of his feelings. He could not help seeing that art affected him differently from. others. A fine picture gave Lawson an immediate thrill. His appreciation was instinctive. Even Flanagan felt certain things which Philip was obliged to think out. His own appreciation was intellectual. He could not help thinking that if he had in him the artistic temperament he hated the phrase, but could discover no other he would feel beauty in proudlock made in chelsea t shirts the emotional, unreasoning way in which they did. He began to wonder whether he had anything more than a superficial cleverness of the hand which enabled him to copy objects with accuracy. That was nothing. He had learned to despise technical dexterity. The important thing was to feel in terms of paint. Lawson painted in a certain way because it was his nature to, and through the imitativeness of a student sensitive to every influence, there pierced individuality. Philip looked at his own portrait of Ruth Chalice, and now that three months had passed he realised that it was no more than a servile copy of Lawson. He felt himself barren. He painted with the brain, and he could not help knowing that the only painting worth anything was done with the heart. He had very little money, barely sixteen hundred pounds, and it would be necessary for him to practise the severest economy. He could not count on earning anything for ten years. The history o.ould watch the shop and see for certain whether Mildred went out with the German. He had an unhappy passion for certainty. At seven he stationed himself on the opposite pavement. He looked about for Miller, but did not see him. In ten minutes she came out, she had on the cloak and shawl which she had worn when he took her to the Shaftesbury Theatre. It was obvious that she was not going home. She saw him before he had time to move away, started a little, and then came straight up to him. What are you doing here she said. Taking the air, he answered. You re spying on me, you dirty little cad. I thought you was a gentleman. Did you think a gentleman would be likely to take any interest in you he murmured. There was a devil within him which forced him to make matters worse. He wanted to hurt her as much as she was hurting him. I suppose I can change my mind if I like. I m not obliged to come out with you. I tell you I m going home, and I won t be followed or spied upon. Have you seen Miller today That s no business of yours. In point of fact I haven t, so you re wrong again. I saw him this afternoon. He d just come out of real madrid white jersey the shop when I liverpool t shirts price went in. Well, what if he did I can manchester united shirts all time go out with him if I want to, can t I I don t know what you ve got to say to it. He s keeping you waiting, isn t he Well, I d rather wait for him than have you wait for me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. And now p raps you ll go off home and mind your own business in future. His mood changed suddenly from anger to despair, and his voice trembled when he spoke. I say, don t be beastly with me, Mildred. You know I m awfully fond of manchester united shirts all time you. I think I love you with all my heart. Won t you change your mind I was looking forward to this evening so awfully. You see, he manchester united history kits hasn t come, and he can t care twopence about you really. Won t you dine with me I ll get some more tickets, and we ll go anywhere you like. I tell you I won t. It s no good you talking. I ve made up my mind, and when I make up my mind I keep to it. He looked at her for a moment. His heart was torn with anguish. People were hurrying past them on the pavement, and cabs and omnibuses rolled by noisily. He saw that Mildred s eyes were wandering. She was afraid of missing Miller in the crowd. I can t go on like this, groaned Ph. ilip. it s too degrading. if I go now I go for good. Unless you ll come with me tonight you ll never see me again. You seem to think that ll be an awful thing for me. All I say is, good riddance t.others. A fine picture gave Lawson an immediate thrill. His appreciation was instinctive. Even Flanagan felt certain things which Philip was obliged to think out. His own appreciation was intellectual. He could not help thinking that if he had in him the artistic temperament he hated the phrase, but could discover no other he would feel beauty in the emotional, unreasoning way in which they did. He began to wonder whether he had anything more than a superficial cleverness of the hand which enabled him to copy objects with accuracy. That was nothing. He manchester united shirts all time had learned to despise technical dexterity. The important thing was to feel in terms of paint. Lawson painted in a certain way because it was his nature to, and through the imitativeness of a student sensitive to every influence, there pierced individuality. Philip looked at his own portrait of Ruth Chalice, and now that three months had passed he realised that it was no more than a servile copy of Lawson. He felt himself barren. He painted with the brain, and he could not help knowing that the only painting worth anything was done with the heart. He had very little money, barely sixteen hundred pounds, and it would be necessary for him to practise the severest economy. He could not count on manchester united shirts all time earning anything for ten years. The history of painting was full of artists who had earned nothing at all. He must resign himself to penury and it was worth while if he produced work which was immortal but he had a terrible fear that he cheap old football shirts would never be more than second manchester united shirts all time rate. Was it worth while for that to give up one s youth, and the gaiety of life, and the manifold chances of being He knew the existence of foreign manchester united shirts all time painters in Paris enough to see that the lives they led were narrowly provincial. He knew some who had dragged along for twenty years in the pursuit of a fame which always escaped them till they sunk into sordidness and alcoholism. Fanny s suicide had aroused memories, manchester united shirts all time and Philip heard ghastly stories of the way in which one person or another had escaped from despair. He remembered the scornful advice which the master had given poor Fanny it would have been well for her if she had taken it and given up an attempt which was hopeless. Philip finished his portrait of Miguel Ajuria and made up his mind to send it to the Salon. Flanagan was sending two pictures, and he thought he could paint as well as Flanagan. He had worked so hard on the portrait that he could not help.
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Intelligent you call yourselves, do you Intelligent He threw the word at the assistants as though it were the bitterest term of reproach. Don t you know that if you put an electric blue in the window it ll kill all the other blues He looked round the department ferociously, and his eye fell upon Philip. You ll dress the window next Friday, Carey. let s see what you can make of it. He went into his office, muttering angrily. Philip s heart sank. When Friday morning came he went into the window with a sickening sense of shame. His cheeks were burning. It was horrible to display himself to the passers by, and though he told himself it was foolish to give way to such a feeling he turned his back to the street. There was not much chance that any of the students at the hospital would pass along Oxford Street at that hour, and he knew hardly anyone else in London but as Philip worked, with a huge lump in his throat, he fancied that on turning round he would catch the eye of some man he knew. 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